Returning to breakfast as usual

Many thanks for the messages people sent after my anti-Karma day, inquiring as to my heath/car/sanity (mainly the latter, unfortunately).  Your concerns, however obtusely directed, were well appreciated.

However, I can state that we are back to business as usual.  Fi has kindly lent me her purple Holden Barina, which I drive with a masculinity-secured pride.  Work has settled down, I have banned myself from eating any leftovers over a week old, and I haven’t mentioned the Winter of ’41 since Tuesday.

In appreciation and recompense for your concerns for my state of mind, I have decided to offer you some free consumer advice.  Think of this like ‘Brand Power’ on the telly, except without the hot presenter.  I present to you my personal evaluation of Uncle Toby’s “High Fibre Bites”.

Many people don’t have much time or regard for breakfast; I’m one of them.  Of course, we all know that it’s ‘the most important meal of the day’ – which is total rubbish.  If I didn’t have dinner every night, I can guarantee I’d be a whole lot hungrier than if I skipped breakfast.

Anyway, it is true that it’s a necessary meal, if only to keep one going until lunch.  For that reason, I want more out of my cereal than a couple of flakes – I want to feel like I’m at least eating something heavier than cardboard.  Many Aussies, particularly Aussie blokes, feel the same, which is probably why Weet-Bixis so popular here.  Apparently, the more you eat, the better chance you have of making the Australian cricket team.  Ever tried the Weet-Bix challenge of eating one quickly without any liquid?  Hilarious!

This last piece of trivia is actually Weet-Bix’s one fatal flaw.  No, my childhood favourite was always the Mini-Wheats (not to be confused with Mini-Creeps) – chunky little wholegrain-fibrey pillows with blackcurrant fillings.  And best of all, they can be eaten straight out of the pack as satisfying snack-fodder, no milk required.  Furthermore, as opposed to Weet-Bix, mueslis and other heavy cereals, they don’t go soggy towards the end of a bowl.  Perfection!

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, they got taken off the shelves at my supermarket a few years ago.  Imagine my joy to discover they’d been brought back just a few months ago!  The stock is rather limited – perhaps it’s a trial thing – so I naturally bought the entire shelf and stocked myself up for the Winter.  What can I say?

However, I allowed my eyes to wander, and I foolishly bought a box of Uncle Toby’s new range ‘High Fibre Bites’, which looks eerily identical to Mini-Wheats.  Could it be?  Could they actually have improved on perfection?  Surely any brand with the backing of basically every Aussie swimming gold-medalist is worth trusting, right?

WRONG.

The imitation ‘Bites’ are basically filled with air, making it the equivalent of a blow-up pillow to Mini-Wheat’s down-feather-filled, Egyptian-cotton-lined pillowy goodness.  Furthermore, inside each airy bite was no blackcurrant sweetness; only some sort of processed-sugar flavour.  Given that they come in honey and brown-sugar-and-cinnamon flavours, I can only assume that the cereal basically consists of a corrupted version of cardboard and sugar – which, in fact, would probably be tastier.

I don’t look forward to breakfast; in fact, I wish I could start most days with a second lunch.  But I’d at least like to think I’m getting a blackcurrant-bang for my buck, rather than experiencing the displeasure of eating a textbook smeared in glue.

(Now there’s a sentence you won’t hear on Brand Power, no matter how attractive the presenter is.)

Dave’s vote of consumer confidence:  Mini Wheats – High Fibre Bites, 1-0.

DISCLAIMER:My opinions are neither influenced nor sponsored by the makers of Weet-Bix, Mini-Wheats or High-Fibre Bites – nor, for that matter, by Brand Power and its perversely pulchritudinous presenter.

Kellogg’s and Sanitarium:  If you do want to give me money for having volunteered positive publicity for you, feel free.

Uncle Toby’s:  No amount of money would entice me to endorse your product.  Perhaps you should try Stephanie Rice;  I hear she’s a sell-out.

Edit:  I have been advised to remove my witty Paint-edited cartoons of High-Fibre Bites and Mini-Wheats for intellectual-property-rights purposes.  I am currently seeking legal advice as to whether a graphic of someone eating a textbook covered in glue would be defamatory.